Fitness tips to my younger self
February 8, 2017 Ashley 0 Comments
Dear younger, college-me,
Hi.
It’s future you.
And I’m here to say: I know.
You don’t wanna take another step. ’cause none of what you’re doing’s been working. In fact, you’re probably reading this from bed, on your laptop, updating your Myspace playlist, and contributing even more to that scoliotic curvature that’s gonna haunt you before long. But, I urge you to hit pause, and hear me out. Because, I know you’re lost on your fitness path. You haven’t got the motivation to go on. From the lethargy and chronic puffiness, to the jiggly legs and skinny-fat dumpy butt, you’re over trying. You’re in a constant state of self-loathing. Out’ve control. So you try really hard to control everything – the wrong way. In fact, right now, you’ve got a serious issue with food and body image. If doing it wrong were an Olympic fitness sport, you’d’ve won the gold every year since age eleven. But, the good news? It can be undone. That’s why I’m here from the future, in my digital DeLorean, to offer you a litany of fitness tips you probably’ll ignore, but shouldn’t. ’cause they’re magically invaluable.
First?
Drink more water, darlin.
Half a liter when you wake – and bordering either side of every meal and workout. It’ll change your life.
Second?
Stow those Stacker energy pills.
They’re crap and lead to even more imbalance in your body. Need a boost before working out? Not a prob. A bit’ve green tea or espresso from Deet’s cafe makes for a fine pre-workout. They’ll give you that energy level up, minus the energetic drop that leads to binging, shame, and future food bans.
(No lie. The green stuff’s majestic.)
Which reminds me…third… quit restricting when you need to eat.
Here’s a protip: you know how you can’t last more than 12 to 20 minutes on that god forsaken machine over at the rec-plex? Or how you take more time walking to the gym than actually working out there? Maybe that’s because you didn’t eat anything substantial for lunch. Or breakfast, for that matter. And you’ve got no fuel in you.
(“Can’t imagine why five minutes feels like an hour. I drank a whole bottle of Ensure eight hours ago.”)
Fourth? Surrender the refined sugar.
Actually, I take that thing about breakfast back. You had breakfast. It just sucked. It was a mug of sugary coffee, paired with a cream cheese danish. (Which, despite it’s high caloric factor, you justify ’cause you’re not gonna eat again ’til dinner. #logic) But you know what’s gonna happen? You’re gonna totally overdo dinner, probably guzzle a goblet of Sauvignon along with it (more calories), and then get the drunchies for whatever’s at the vending machine downstairs, circa eleven-ish tonight. Let’s make that tip four point five: learn the difference between simple and complex carbs. It’ll save your waistline. Because, the way you’re going – even if you could out-train bad diet, you wouldn’t have today, seeing as you didn’t eat earlier (and subsequently didn’t have the energy for more than an abbreviated treadmill sesh).
(“Let it goooo”… You’ll get that reference soon enough. And you’ll wish you didn’t.)
And, fifth, as hinted a couple sentences ago, you can’t out-run your bad diet.
That sugar infused first-meal o’ the day? Not only was it high in calories, but you wanna know what all that sugar does? It turns to fat rapid fast. And that’s a two-fold bummer, ’cause that means A.) it’s tougher to torch off your body, and B.) when you get the inevitable blood sugar spike ‘n drop from it, you’re dragging it for all twelve treadmilled minutes you manage to survive before the depressing trek back to your lonely dorm room where your loyalest, non-judgy buddy – the wine bottle- awaits you.
Speaking of which, sixth, if you really wanna lose weight, firewater – not food – is what you need to cut.
(Don’t think I forgot how you literally used to do this. And not for a laugh.)
Seventh? Add some weights to lose weight.
And, while we’re on the topic of cutting stuff, you wanna know why you’re not cut? Why you’re kinda gyrating all over instead? ’cause you do zero strengthening, my dear. You still have this backward idea that strength training’ll turn you into Chyna the wrestler. (She’s dead now, BTW 🙁 ) Trust me. It won’t. Weights make for more lean muscle (if you drive up the reps and down the weight), which burns more calories. That said, I won’t lie. Hate to tell you it, but squats and bicep curls don’t get any more fun at thirty-someth. You know what is fun about them, though? The Brazilian butt lift and nixed extremity jiggle that makes for an awesome bod.
Eighth – start yoga. Stat.
In fact, you know what, younger me? Thirty-something’s not the end, but the beginning for you. ’cause there’s a lot’ve fun stuff about your body once you start feeding and moving it the opposite way of how you are now. Especially after you realize what an idiot you and everyone else sound like when they say, “I can’t do yoga; I’m not flexible enough.” (I just had an involuntary eyeroll even saying it just now.) You’ll see Russell Brand do it in your late 20’s and get intrigued. You’ll see your hot and happy friends are doing it, and get even more intrigued. Then, after you herniate your disc, you’ll see a success story of some lady in a wheelchair who started walking within a month cause’ve yoga, and realize, “Duh. Yoga’s what makes you more flexible.” If you’re wise, maybe you’ll just start now instead and extend your youth, instead’ve squandering it on sake, excessive sitting, and technological addictions that contribute to stiff joints. (But I won’t hold my breath, waiting. Because A.) breath-holding goes against yoga rules, and B.) if you’re as stubborn as I still am, then you’re probably giving future me one finger while the other’s clutching a shot glass.)
(No, you *don’t* have an oceanfrontyard in the future. Yet. #sorryboutit)
Ninth – food’s about quality, not just caloric quantity.
See, yoga won’t only make you more physically flexible. It’ll also stretch your mind and consciousness. That’s when you’ll see a bunch of your friends on Facebook who’ve gotten hotter after high school (a rarity), and realize the common denominator a lot of them seem to share, aside from yoga: veganism. (Yes, that diet you’re still poking fun of while shoveling a fork full of salty Fogo flesh into your face hole and waking up puffy.) Make no mistake. Compassion’s not what starts you doing veganism. It’s what keeps you doing it. But vanity gets the initial credit. So, you’ll start making your tummy a VIP club exclusively for plant-stuff, start feeling awesome, and never turn back.
Tenth – educate yourself with fitness lit to reach optimal hotness levels
What will happen, though, is that a bunch’ve douchebags will come atchya, asking about where you get your protein or whatever (that’s the typical vegan attack). At first, it’ll piss you off. Let it. Why? ’cause the spite it causes will force you to do more research on your own diet than they’ve ever done on their own. That’s when you’ll fine tune and balance it perfectly. You’ll realize that less sugar, salt, or processed stuff (and more water, green stuff, and balanced macros) makes for glistening, supple skin. You’ll understand that eating green and clean keeps you full and satisfied. You’ll get that fast food and pre-packaged crap isn’t food at all – but manufactured, toxic slop designed to keep you coming mindlessly back for more. And, you’ll also learn how to balance carbs, proteins, and fats. A biggie. In the end it works out beautifully, because you’re more educated – plus you’ve got a full health powerpoint presentation for the next d-bags on deck, armed with passive aggressive comments. After you’ve chucked facts at ’em like a rapper making it rain paper, they’ll still be thick, sick, jiggly, and bitter… while you’re on youthful fire with a lithe, slim physique. (But, secretly, you’re less spiteful than hopeful – hopeful that it’ll inspire them to make a similar change for themselves.)
(Brain gains are crucial, too…)
Eleventh – stop to enjoy the fruits of your effortless health efforts
Right around this point in your change, something magical will happen. You’ll suddenly pause and realize you’re not starving yourself anymore to stay slender. You don’t have to. The weight’s melting off, and seemingly easily. Oh, and that thigh gap you’ve always wanted? When did that happen? You don’t even know. Because you’ve been feeling so good, that you’ve been doing more with your days than pausing to weep into a mirror. You’ve been staying so busy, you didn’t even notice. Having a great body’s just, I dunno, part of your life now. Part of your identity. No bigs. Meanwhile, you’re well fed all day – which means half hour to hour running seshes are easy breezy. (Literally on the breeze front, ’cause you’ll start hitting the trail instead’ve treadmill. It’s healthier on all levels, ’cause now it’s not a penance, but a pastime you genuinely enjoy.)
(Working out’s not work when you legit love it.)
And why aren’t you riding the starve and snack-vacuum cycle anymore? ’cause the high fiber content of the food you’re eating will fill you up, the fact that you’re balancing your macros will keep your body from FOMO induced cravings for bad food, and your blood sugar’ll be regulated all day, keeping you from the other kind’ve cravings you get when your glucose levels plummet after that Starbuckian binge you and your best gay friend just enjoyed.
Twelfth – get a group of fit folk
You know what? Now that I say all’ve this, I have to admit something.
I’m a little envious of you. Not just ’cause you’re young and still have a lot’ve fun to look forward to. (You really do, even though a lot’ve it’s unhealthy.) But because of those outings you and your buddies used to have. See, having a bod in top form, paired with endless energy is great. Really convenient. Makes having two jobs and training for three to four hours each day seem like nada. But you know what else it is? Lonely. Why? Because a lot’ve your friends you used to hang out with aren’t exactly as health-centric as you are. They’re still stuck in bad habits, Instagramming McBurger Queen’s latest ice cream tsunami, and sadly telling you that you’re “hashtag body goals” (apologies if both of those references means zero to you, which they will). Then, naturally, they’ll ask you how you do it, and promptly ignore your helpful tips. (Kind’ve like you’ll probably do to me right after reading this.) Don’t let this frustrate you. Or deter you. Or make you feel alone. Rather, let it inspire you to get a tribe. A community. A clan. Seek them out. Seek out a group of like-minded, fitness focused people who light a fire under your squat sculpted rump, so that you’ll keep going and have someone to high five over hard earned veggie rolls, instead’ve fat roll inducing scones. I waited too long to find them, but I’m working on building up my own sweat squad ATM – and they’re pretty great.
(TBH, your “tribe” will actually be a bunch of sweaty muay thai dudes who bruise you nearly nightly.
Not these crunchy yoga chicks. But I’m afraid that saying that’ll scare you off.
So look at the pretty picture above and trust me, instead.)
Thirteeth – keep inspiring, by example setting
And, when you find them? Keep writing and sharing about your journey. You might not think anyone’s listening or watching or reading. But, one day, it’ll pay off. Not just literally. (Though, that part’s awesome – no lie.) But someone, someday, will come up to you and say they’ve lost five pounds in the past month because of your motivating fitness posts. That they can’t believe you’re not in your twenties. That your body and endurance alike have inspired them to take those first steps. That they dunno why it took them so long, but how something you said made it click. That it arrived at just the right moment in their lives. (I’d say that that’ll all be motivation for you to keep going on your fitness path. But, TBH, when you feel as good as you will with this new lifestyle, you don’t really need any extra motivation. It’s just supplemental awesomery.) In fact, now that I think of it, maybe that’s what it’s all about. Coming to that place on our own time. Hey, maybe you don’t even need any of this advice. Because who would you – who would I – be inspiring right now, if you hadn’t been human enough to make these mistakes for us to share, first?
So, you do you, boo. And come back to this list when you’re ready.
Best of luck.
Love,
Future you (AKA 32 going on 23)