Why we shouldn’t focus on the airplane fat shamer

May 17, 2018 Ashley 0 Comments

So there’s this story going around.

In it, a pleasantly plump young passenger on an airplane looks at her seatmate’s phone. And, in so doing, she sees what a lot of us do when we eavesdrop on a convo: something unsettling. In fact, he’s texting about her. And not only is he texting about her, he’s referred to her as “a smelly fatty”. As a result, another passenger takes her side, reverse shaming him for shaming her – in a private conversation he didn’t know she was reading…

Now, of course a pal posts this on Facebook.

And of course a comment onslaught ensues. And of course, when I chime in saying she shouldn’t’ve been snooping, I catch some serious shade from someone who took the story very personally. The main arguments? That “some phones are big enough to see the screen without trying”. That and that “big is beautiful”, so people shouldn’t be shaming. Now, I’m not gonna argue either’ve those points. Those are respectively very true and objectively, possibly very true points. I’ve seen a few movie theater sized screens where the letters are so large that a maximum of three letters fit on each line. And I’ve seen a few movie theater sized people who are adored by their S.O.’s and live in bliss. But ya know what? Just because I can see the screen, doesn’t mean I’ve gotta read it. If a lady releases her teat in public to feed her swaddled spawn, do you try to sneak a peak to see how big her areolas are? Or if her tater-tots are tatted? No. The moment you notice a mammary’s on the loose, you do your best to ensure the lady doesn’t feel violated by your eyes. The same goes for private convos – whether they’re happening audibly or on some behemoth sized device with monster font. (Allegedly.) Also, no one can argue what another perceives as aesthetic. Beauty’s in the eye of the beholder – be that an obese holder, anorexic holder, or something-in-between holder.

But my only problem with that as an argument is this: why you mad then?

No, really. Sardonic memes aside, I really wanna know:

If an extra side of chunk is sexy to you, then why would you be offended when someone calls you that thing you’re proud of? I mean, I’ve been called a “skinny b*tch” to my face before. Also, when I got really strong, I’d hear “you’ve got monster arms”. And you know what? Both times, I took each thing as a compliment. Being called a “smelly fatty” is no different than being called a “skinny b*tch”. One part’s a commentary on your physical thickness. One’s a commentary on something about you that’s offensive to them. But you know what? All four of those things, “smelly”, “b*tchy”, “skinny”, and “fat” are totally changeable. For me, I took “skinny” as a compliment because that’s what I found attractive at the time. And then I reviewed the commentary on my character. And I asked myself, “A.) Is it true?” and “B.) Do I want to change that?”. Because the first answer was a no – they were totally projecting their envy about my physical status onto me – I could just laugh and use it as gas to fuel my fitness path even further. That’s what you do when you know something’s not true. Same as when I heard about my “monster arms” from a dude, and knew he was just jealous that I could probably bench him. I was just tickled to be called ripped.

So what’s the point? What can we do with this little story?

We can use it to get really honest with ourselves anytime we feel “shamed” about our bodies, with these steps:

1. Pause and ponder

The second you feel shamed – even inadvertently – pause and recall that it isn’t about you. Whether you’re getting called anorexic or manly or a fatty, almost 100% of the time it’s about the individual saying it. Not you. Whatever their pasts have comprised, whatever their day has been like, whatever their current mood is – that all factors into how they act and interact. Maybe they were fat shamed in youth. Maybe they grew up in a household that shamed the overweight. These are all very plausible reasons for their words. Which is why it’s important to truly know that any meanness they convey says more about them than you.

2. Self inquire: “Is it true? Do I wanna change it?”

That said, the onus is on us to ask ourselves a super important set of questions, like:

“Is it true?” And, if so, “Does that bother me enough to start changing that truth to a new truth – no matter how hard it might be?” If it was true, but didn’t bother you, then you probably wouldn’t be reading this. You’d either take it as a compliment or a pointless statement of fact, like someone saying, “You have brown hair”. If it does bother you, though, then some serious decisions need to be made. Sure, the words were delivered in a douchey way. But many a douchebag has been correct in the history of the world.

Just because it’s mean doesn’t mean it’s false.

3. Use the cruelty as fuel

Much like the woman visiting Disneyland who got giggled at when she was stuck in the turnstile, sometimes unkindness is the final straw that launches us into fit living. Now, this isn’t meant to condone cruelty. I’m always on the side of kindness. And, while I’m against giggling at any condition – self induced or not – I’m also against lying to protect someone’s ego. That’s the biggest unkindness. (No pun intended.) Plus, it’s selfish because we’re really only protecting our own ego, as we’re afraid the other person’ll be mad at us for crushing theirs with honesty. It’s the old, “Do I look fat in this?” inquiry. We say no to prevent resentment – whether or not it’s true. I’m not gonna do that to you. Moreover, I don’t want you doing that to yourself. Be kind to yourself. And do it by taking charge after you feel attacked about your physical status. After all, if everything happens for a reason (and we can’t change others’ actions – only our own), then why not let the hurtful words serve the purpose of self growth? (And, mayhaps, physical shrinking.) Why not let the caustic commentary be the catalyst for you to change? We each have the power to do that. Once we take that power, we transform.

And we can only hope that those who loathe themselves enough to speak cruelties do the same – internally.

In sum, remember: looking at someone’s convo is like going Suki Stackhouse (a la “True Blood”) and mindreading a rando. It’s very private. It’s not intended for you. And, before we chastise them for saying something unkind in their private convo, we gotta ask, “Wait, am I so perfect? Have I never dumb shamed? Slut shamed? Skinny shamed? In a conversation I thought was private, no less?” We’re not perfect people. We throw shade in the shade sometimes – where (we think) we’re unseen. It would be dumb for someone’s self worth to rest on our judgment if we’re so imperfect. So why put ours in the hands of a total stranger? Also, we can all avoid getting hit with cannonballs of candidness by minding our own biz. And if it is intentionally directed at us, we can return to point number one: it usually isn’t really about us – but a projection of their internal world. Which means we needn’t take it to heart.

But if we do, we can always choose to use it to change.