An open letter to stay at home moms trying to sell me weight loss products

July 8, 2017 Ashley 0 Comments

Ya know, I really respect stay at home moms.

That is until they start with this shiz:

I literally haven’t talked to you in seven years, Carla.

(Incidentally, that’s not her name – but we’re going with it for privacy’s sake).

Or maybe I should put it this way – you haven’t talked to me. But, I get it. You’re busy being a mom – a full time mom, actually, by the look of your profile. And that’s great. Not knocking you – or the moms who manage to both work and do a fab job of raising their miniature clones. But you know what I am gonna knock? The fact that you’re knocking on my metaphorical door, trying to sell me your diet girl scout cookies that claim to solve all my problems.

And you wanna know the funny thing?

If you were a legitimate friend – one who actually bothered to check in on me once in a while – you’d see I don’t actually have any’ve those problems you listed. (See, that’s the thing about a good pitch, darling. You’ve gotta know your market.) I sleep great and weigh exactly what I should. And it never fluctuates. Now, is that because I spend several hours of my life, writing each day about sleep and health? Maybe. But maybe it’s also because I do yoga, run a lot, and started a macro balanced, plant based diet back in 2014. Maybe it’s because I got all my needs met by mama nature so well that I didn’t need to troll the diet aisle, looking for quick fixes anymore.

But you don’t wanna hear that, Carla.

You wanna hear that I’m gonna come to your online circle jerk party tomorrow. You wanna hear that I’m gonna buy Plexus. Why? Because you’ve got a product to sell for your pyramid scheme so you can afford that Montessori school for your kid come fall. You want to sell me a lie in a bottle, because you’ve been sold the lie that pushing Plexus makes you a businesswoman who owns her own business from home. (Hashtag: boss bish!) And I’m so bummed for you. Not just because you’re gonna lose money. Not just because you’re gonna lose friends (starting with me). But because you’re also gonna lose out on the true way to weight loss, gained energy, stellar sleeping, and belly serenity.

See, while Plexus tries to market itself as being plant based, it actually has additives and chemicals in it, as well. What’s more, a simple gander at a few testimonials’ll tell you what the website doesn’t. Side effects reported by buyers of the stuff include nausea, belly pain, backed up bowels, shakiness, increase of blood pressure, and increased heart rate. Even kidney function damage has been shown to correlate with Plexus Slim. And, if that’s not enough to make you question this stuff’s legitimacy, the FDA even sent out a warning letter to them.

You know who doesn’t get a letter from the FDA, though?

The same guys who don’t cause me any of those side effects mentioned above:

(Also the same guys who actually *do* all the things Plexus claims to, but fails to actually deliver)

On a balanced, plant based diet, there are no chemicals. Nothing’s refined down, out of its natural form. Thus, there’s no need for a supplement to counteract any negatives because you aren’t getting any issues in the first place like energy dips or insomnia or gastrointestinal bacterial battles. Not anymore. What you are getting, however, is exactly what you need. That’s how you have the energy to badazz through your workouts and workday like a boss, and then sleep like a neonate later. It’s so much easier to just eat healthy. In fact, relying on supplements like these instead’ve changing what’s on your plate is actually kinda insane, when you think about it. It’s like setting fire to your diet every day, and then using gasoline masquerading as fitness water to try and put it out later.

So, Carla, no.

While I’m unbelievably honored that you deigned to send me a message after a decade of uninterrupted silence, this’s gonna be a hard pass from me. Alright. That’s admittedly a bit salty, coming from the chick who adheres to a low sodium intake. But my point’s this: I started the best, healthiest, most vitalizing diet I could ever hope for a few years ago. I lost weight. I gained energy. And, most importantly, I never looked back. But I encourage all of you stay at home moms marketing me this stuff to do exactly that: look back. Look back at all the other times you’ve tried to sell me and your other friends similar products that have failed all parties involved. I can appreciate that you need to make money. I can appreciate your position. But you don’t have to lie to yourself and others in the process about how to properly fuel the only body you’ve got with this Trojan horse, leaking snake oil all the way through the gates of the friends you’re betraying.

‘cause once that body’s fallen to illness, who’s going to take care of that beautiful baby of yours?