Kundalini: How Russell Brand’s brand of yoga can make you lose weight

January 9, 2017 Ashley 0 Comments

“Kundalini yoga can supercharge your weight loss…”

Sounds like a snake oil sales pitch, right?

“Myeah… here’s the part where I roll out my mat – and up my eyes. “

Yeah, I’ll admit it.

Even I (who have 100% faith in any yoga to aid in weight loss), had difficulty believing this at first. At least I did – when I first heard about it a bit ago. How much better could it really be than the other stuff? Now, don’t get me wrong – despite my skepticism – I totally wanted to try it out for the longest time. Why? Well at first, it was just ’cause Russell Brand and Gabrielle Bernstein did it. But it wasn’t until I attended an actual class this morning at nothing o’ clock that I’d see for myself what all the excitement was about – and how much it had to offer.

See, Kundalini isn’t like the other sorts of yoga. It features more rapid movements, a ton’ve spinal motion, and rapidfire breathing through your nose orifices – like you’re tryn’a push out something pungent you just inadvertently inhaled. And the whole practice centers on this notion that a snake-like energy (called kundalini) sits at the bottom of our spines. The idea’s that, when “awakened”, kundalini infuses us with a natural, near-manic high that comes with a bunch of other wonderful side effects. Sounds too good to be true, doesn’t it? Well, that might be because this brand of yoga was never meant for us Westerners. Based off the royal yoga of Indian high society, it was always tightly guarded so that the peons of the world would never have access to all its alleged majesty.

(Which’s probably why all the bright eyed, transcendentally enigmatic celebs we see, practice it today.)

So, how’d it reach us? Well, back in the 60’s a dude called Yogi Bhajan broke yo-code (that’s my personal term for the yogi version of “bro code”) and helped the United States achieve these elevated states. Subsequently, tons of hippies started doing it through the decades – up until modern times when basics like yours truly gave it a go and realized that the side effects are epic to the epic-eth power. Elevated mental and transcendental levels? Check. (Hashtag: get high on your own supply.) Improved sense of well being? Check. (I haven’t uttered a single article of profanity since this morning’s practice. A first for me.) The potential for massive weight loss? Definite check. (The energy you get’s seemingly endless.) In fact, before my class today, I was watching a mini-doc on kundalini, featuring this formerly fat chick. Her claim? That – with kundalini – she shed thirty pounds within a handful of months.

Yet, while I adore those testimonials, the scientist in me can never handle mystery. I need to know why.

And, after analyzing today’s class for myself, it makes total, 100% sense.

Here’s why:

First, there’s the breathing style. Did you know that a good deal of the fat we lose – is lost via carbon dioxide? The stuff you breathe out? Granted, sitting around and hyperventilating won’t make your fat evaporate. (Sorry ’bout it.) But the more huff ‘n puff you can put into your exercise, the more you’re likely to burn. And, unlike the deep, tranquil exhalations and inhalations you experience with Vinyasa, a lot of kundalini features fast, rapid, nostril respiration as you swing your body parts about. Add that to the quasi-aerobic effects of K-yoga (like the spinal twists and twitchy arm movements), and you’ve got a good bit’ve burn-age going on there.

Then, there’s the stretching element.

Not a lot to say here – but as with other sorts of yoga – this’ll def stretch you out.

And we all know that when we’re limber, convincing ourselves to do actual aerobic activity’s far easier.

(Personal stylist running buddy not included.)

The same thing goes for stress reduction.

Yoga of any kind equals less stress. And less stress equals less cortisol plus less weight gain. But, while that may not sound a lot different from other sorts of yoga, I can guarantee it’s different. ’cause the tranquility you achieve via kundalini comes with a kind of clarity and energetic joy that I can’t aptly describe. (Yes, even as a writer.) It’s like you’ve got this unbridled glee – but also the self restraint to direct it correctly into your daily endeavors. (Which is totally new to me – who usually morphs into a drooling, inarticulate werewolf whenever any manic emotions manage to find me.) The nice thing about that? When you keep those energetic levels even – it means none of those falls that typically follow a “high”, ever befall you. And, without, those drops – we’re far less likely to self abuse with food or lose motivation to exercise or treat ourselves well.

And, speaking of motivation and mania, finally comes the energizing aspect.

The cool thing about kundalini is that, once it’s “awakened”, you might be able to maintain reigns on it in your daily endeavors or social interactions; but – trust – it’s waiting patiently to be let off its leash. And, if that sounds a little too airy fairy for you, I get it. But all it means is that, unlike other forms of yoga, you’ve truly reset your nervous system with all those maneuvers and altered breathing. Thus, it follows you throughout your day. In fact, a bunch’ve scientists even did a study on this, and after analyzing a bunch of yogis doing their serpentine serenity practice, they observed that they had “(…) acquired a skill to control the autonomic nervous system, which is a key participant in the stress response and is responsible for controlling the activity of the heart and circulatory, digestive, respiratory, and reproductive systems — an idea that was revolutionary in the western world.”

So, can I actually vouch for any of this?

After a Sunday spent whipping my limbs around, exhaling like an angry dragon committing fiery homicide?

Sure. I mean, I can’t tell ya how much carbon dioxide fat I exhaled. (Though they really should have a mask equipped app for that by now, I feel.) And any time I do yoga moves, I do get more limber. That’s a given. But, as for the increased clarity and energy? Absolutely and a half. That imaginary reptile residing in the basement of my backbone? I’ll be honest. At first I didn’t notice anything. I didn’t think it was gonna happen at all. In fact, even though I had the typical “feel good” mood after class concluded, I was kinda disappointed. But, as soon as I set out for my morning run, that badboy sprang to life, bit my pins, and sent me truckin’ down that trail.

(Beautiful metaphor for cardio after kundalini – versus before it.)

Note: this was totally unexpected.

Every other full length yoga class I’ve ever done leaves me too Zen’d out to workout too well. But, today, it was like my legs were possessed by something otherworldly. I’m trying to think of an apt description. But this’s all I can come up with: Ever wish someone else could do your workout for you? Yeah, it’s kinda like that. It legit was like I wasn’t doing any of the work. So, I took advantage, and rode that phantom serpent sprint style all the way through thirty minutes (which usually terminates with me beleaguered), feeling like I’d done nothing. I didn’t even feel the sixteen degree temps. In fact, had I not had to come here and share my newfound yogic passion with you, I could’ve probably done another twenty or thirty, easily.

And that, I think, is the the thing that sets this awakening snake style of yoga apart.

If you’re calmer after your practice, your cortisol’s lower. That’s fantastic, of course, ’cause (as touched on above) it ultimately means more weight loss. But, if you’re as energetic as I felt today, you also wanna work out longer. Again – not because you’re forcing yourself – but because you legit find it easy, so why not go another mile or three? And, in that way, kundalini’s got a leg (er… tail?) up on the competish. Sure, you get the serene aspects Hatha or Vinyasa impart. (Which mean better lifestyle choices – including diet and general self care.) But with this newfound phantom electric reptile radiating energy from your vertebrae out to all’ve your body, you also want to keep wiggling that fat off. And that’s a double doozie – when you can facilitate following the right kinda diet with a desire to move. It’s like installing a weight loss program from the comfort of your mat every morning. The only caveat? You’ve gotta do it on the regular. (Which I’ll definitely be doing from now on.) Why? Well, as Yogi Bhajan said, “Keep up and be kept up”. Much like muscle disappears if you don’t keep working it, so do all the serene and weight whittling benefits of this practice. And – in that way – if I had to guess what kinda snake kundalini was, I’d say it’s that one you see on tattoos sometimes.

Ya know? The one who’s always eating himself?

(Ouroboros, I think they call him.)

Like ol’ ouroboros there, kundalini’s gotta be cyclical. It’s just like my instructor said today: you’ve gotta do it daily. The good stuff disappears if you do, from your mat. When she skips it, she feels shizzy again – within a mere matter of days. So, if you’re looking to lighten the load on your loo’s scale, awaken your scaly spine serpent, stat. Incorporate this uncoiling energy practice into your daily one, and you won’t be sorry.

’cause the only thing “snake oil” about snake yoga’s how it fuels you as work your way toward a lighter you.