How To Stay Slim This Thanksgiving (Part 1)

November 21, 2018 Ashley 0 Comments

Yes, I know.

I’m a bit tardy to the party here.

It’s already happening tomorrow – our annual American fall food-athon – and I haven’t even given you so much as one tip on how to enter fat battle with fitness armor. I’m sorry. It’s unforgivable. I’m fashionably late, as per yooj. However, I promise to make it up to you in point seven seconds with some dietary chainmail that’ll make you safe. You’ve still got a whole day to peruse my priceless ideas. Simply ingest these bits of advice before ingesting dead avians (plus all the sides) and you’ll survive turkey murder day without making the scale springs pop out next week.

Okay, the first tips are for those of you visiting fam or friends on this fateful day. (Like myself *hand raise emoji*) This is always scary for dietary control freaks like me. Here, you’ve got no nutritional info. No clue what’s in that vat full of casserole or nut crusted stuffing. This is a fat and caloric no man’s land. So the first tip is the option of 86’ing it. Not everything on the table, mind you. Just the obviously bad and buttery stuff you know is gonna head straight to those formerly gorgeous gams. The pie. The twelve cheese mac. Your aunt’s concoction of slop suffocating in brown sugar. It’s easier to get away with this sans looking rude if you A.) have several, other, healthier options available to plunk on your plate or B.) spend the dinner asking your narcissistic family members about themselves.

(“Tell me again, Karen, about your vague, web development business that’s definitely *not* a nude webcam?)

Or you could go with tip two:

Moderate. It’s a tip as old as time with respect to the pound shedding scene. All you gotta do is just have a bite of each thing (depending on if your dietary restrictions allow for it) and make a real meal out of the “safety” foods you know aren’t dripping in straight up blubber fodder. That way no one’s feelings get hurt and no one’s jeans split at the seams. Keto people and vegans don’t always make this an option, and that’s fine. But, if you low key kinda envy them for having their dietary restriction card to get them out’ve Aunt Mary’s traditional dish of disgusting mystery ingredients, then try the next tip…

Just do it. Be vegan. (I mean – not really – but kinda. Hear me out.) Be vegan for a day. Or pescatarian. Or keto. Or whatever. If I turn down a dish someone’s slaved to cook all day just ’cause I don’t feel like it, I’m “rude”. (Annoying, but that’s our pushy snowflake culture.) They get butthurt, won’t shut up, guilt trip you, or the trifecta of all three – augmented by that last glass of wine. But, on the contrary, if you tell whoever’s holding dinner that you’ve been following this new diet that’s working for you and that that’s why you can’t have their healthless and horrible cooking, then they’re far more likely to understand. (Or at least pretend to.) In this era of eggshell walking, people know that maligning your dietary beliefs is akin to shiz talking your religion.

So a fake diet’s as good an excuse as any.

(“I can’t; I’m keto”…”But it’s keto friendly”…. “Oh I meant I’m breatharian.”)

Still haven’t found the tip that works for you?

No worries. There’s more. Keep reading…