Fitness advice, based on your Zodiac sign
October 25, 2017 Ashley 0 Comments
So, you’re in the middle of reading some super awesome weight loss advice.
(Probably here, on my page.)
(“Oh, click on the one about how our slouchy posture’s making us fatter, Becky!”)
But, I know what you’re thinking.
This might work well for a Scorpio, sure. But how about a Virgo like yourself? I mean – does this drivel I’m pouring out really address the specific issues you have? Does it take into account the way the stars aligned on the day of your birth? Or whether some distant, uninhabitable, cosmic death ball is in retrograde? (Whatever that means?) Did I even do any peer reviewed research with the inanimate fleet of celestial gas spheres above, before mindlessly sharing what research back here on earth has proven time and again? Did I account for your Zodiac sign? I didn’t think about that, did I? No. I only think about myself. Okay. Fair enough.
So, today, I’m trying my hand at assigning you each a cosmic catered fitness guide.
Your own Zodiac fitness prescription.
Here it goes:
Aquarius
The first one’s Aquarius. Now, I’mma level with you. I dunno what this means. (Mostly because I was too lazy to Google what someone’s imagination came up with when they designed this system originally.) That said, I do know that “aqua” means “water”. Which obviously means the cosmic gods want you to drink more water. So, go ahead and do that.
That’s your perma horoscope, Aquarius.
Pisces
Now, I know what you’re thinking. If Aquarius was assigned more agua, then Pisces must get pie. Right? Eh… sure. It’s kinda like that, except exactly the opposite. See, it’s actually “pi” you’re getting. As in the number 3.14. That’s the number of hours the zodiac deities want you to run every day. Just kidding. But it is the minimum amount of times each week you should be lifting weights to lower your weight.
Aries
As for Aries? You get: air. A daily dose of fresh air (coupled with sunshine) has been said to be a fantastic stress reducer. So, start taking that jog outta the gym and to the trail. With the added incline and varied terrain, you’re really gonna work all those muscles in your legs. Also, you’ll find that, out in nature, you’ll get distracted by all the scenery and wanna go for longer than you do in the gym.
Virgo
Virgo, are you a virgin? I mean – at an athletic activity?
Of course you are. There’s something you haven’t tried. #JapaneseHorsebackArcheryAnyone?
So brainstorm up one pronto and pop that novelty cherry on a fitness level today.
Taurus
Taurus’s sign’s the bull. Ask yourself: “What bullsh** excuses have I been making for not working out? For eating badly?” And then, go ahead and stop it. Seriously. Just stop it. Have you started stopping it yet? Yes? Oh, good. Keep doing that.
Leo
Leo’s the lion. But, let’s face it, we don’t always feel lion-hearted.
Today, I urge you to summon your inner fitness kitty and maim the day – starting with some sunrise cardio.
Scorpio
Scorpions are full of what? Poison. Yes, just like that processed food you’ve been eating.
Use your own willpower stinger to smite the bad diet you’ve clamped onto.
And once it’s good ‘n dead, supplant it with a clean eating regime pronto.
Gemini
Well this one’s simple. Gemini sounds like “gym”.
So, go there. And don’t leave until you’ve got more wet spots than dry ones on your tee shirt.
Cancer
Cancer. I’m not sure what cancer has to do with crabs, so we’ll go in a different direction with this.
Cancer sounds like “can sir” – which is exactly all I wanna hear you saying to your trainer when he asks you:
“Can you do ten more reps, BROTHURRR?”
Sagittarius
Sagittarius, your sign’s apparently a bow and arrow. And what’s an arrow aim for? A bulls eye. (Or zombies.) So, your job’s to start letting your own metaphorical bulls eye (your fitness goals) be your motivator to make better choices. Move more, eat better, and reach that
goal stat, Sag.
Capricorn
I’ve seen you binging on that Halloween candy. Time to put a cap on that candy corn, Capricorn.
Remember: holidays don’t halt your bod from hoarding processed sugar and morphing ’em into fat.
The treats are the trick. A cruel one. Sub in some’ve nature’s plant candy in lieu.
Libra
And, finally, Libra. Libra and libre in Spanish respectively mean “pound” and “free”. So, I want you to think how free you felt the last time you shed a few pounds – the last time you reached your most recent weight loss goal. Then, once you remember that feeling, use it. Use it to keep doing what you did to get there. Hit a weight loss impasse? Then add some HIIT to your routine to break free from it and those loathesome pounds chaining you from feeling light and fit.
Okay, that’s it, my hippie dippy, airy fairy friends. There’s your specialized, star aligned, fitness advice. Straight from someone pretending to sip kombucha in a hat made of hemp that was compassionately cared for before it was maimed to cover my thankless cranium. (But who IRL is just about as qualified to write about it as you or the other randos in Cosmo you’ve been listening to up until now.)
(“This is totally wheatgrass. Totally not spiked with 5 hour energy. Or vodka. Or both.”)
You’re welcome.