Will yerba mate minimize your mass? Or just cause cancer?

December 8, 2015 Ashley 0 Comments

I love my green tea.

In a way, it’s kinda like a traditional cup of joe.

(Except sans the those jitters I’d get when I guzzled the stuff.)

Plus, its energy amplifying effects feel less drastic. The big rush comes on like a tranquil wave, washes serenly over me, and exits gently a few hours later. (Versus punting me off some cognitive cliff and leaving my focus hemorrhaging to death at the bottom for the rest of my day. Which java inevitably does.) That said, I find the same thing transpires with my dietary accessories – teas included – that happens with hair products, alcohol, or most relationships: initially it’s like a best kept secret. The magic bullet. The answer to life… But within a few weeks, comparatively lackluster results generally ensue. So, I’m always looking for a good sub to keep on deck. Just in case.

Enter yerba mate tea.

When I heard about this, initially, it was being touted namely as a weight loss elixir. But, when I looked into it a bit more, I found a host of other amazing side effects that made me consider it worth giving a try. Things comparable to my beloved emerald beverage, but better. First, it’s said to increase metabolism and energy (‘cause aside from caffeine, it’s got additional xanthines in it – which are coffee like compounds). Secondly, it’s reported to impart a “relaxing effect” (which makes for less stress, and thus stress related overeating). Thirdly, it’s reported to induce a slower rate of gastric emptying (which means: if your belly’s full for longer, then you won’t want more food in it so soon). And, finally, on the workout front… the stuff allegedly allows for a delayed onset of lactic acid bum rushing your muscles in the middle of spin class – which means you can sweat it out for longer – and thus burn off more of that fat bridging your once-upon-a-time thigh gap. (Thanks to the cheat day that morphed into cheat week(s).) Which reminds me: without keeping a healthy diet – no amount of mate or green tea or that questionable baggy of shrubs your personal Amazonian shaman sent you to simmer in water is gonna drop that weight off you.

Not without the crucial two components (quality sustenance and sweat) securely in place.

’cause it’s all about balance.

And that – balance – is key to recall when it comes to the yerba naysayers as well.

Because, if you’re new to this stuff like I am, you might skimming through this, wondering, “Whenzshe gonna get to the bit about the cancer?” Right now. Yes. Some less-than-thorough studies have been done, demonstrating a correlation between yerba mate and cancer. A correlation. No more. Now, I get that not all of you on here have had the luxury I have of taking basic biology or getting a useless degree in it like I have. So you may not have heard the term “correlation does not mean causation”. That is to say, that just because thing B happens along with thing A… it doesn’t mean thing A caused it. Now, they could’ve given significant evidence pointing toward a cause. They could’ve repeated the experiment several times, with large groups of test subjects. And, most importantly, they could’ve excised detrimental variables to the integrity of the experiment – like the fact that people being studied were drinking the stuff in multi-liter amounts per day at too high temperatures. (Which would explain why most of the cancers were esophageal and mouth related – versus some grab bag style of variety malignancies.)

You know, lately, everything suddenly “causes cancer”. Don’t talk on your phone – it’ll give ya cancer. Don’t eat broccoli – it’ll give ya cancer. Don’t watch porn – you’ll get cancer for sure. And you know what I think? The problem isn’t your yerba or your internet tendencies. It’s that same thing I referenced above about balance. That same thing we seem to forget about everything else in our culture of excess. And the sad thing is – we’re so accustomed to extremes that we hear something like “may cause cancer” (when, in reality, almost anything “may” cause cancer), lose our minds stat, and throw out the baby with the bathwater in which it’s been scrubbed with industrial level reductive misinformation and lye (lie?). So, I’m here to clear that up for you with a little mental exercise. Are you likely to get cancer after soaking up a few rays of sun over summer? (No.) Are you likely to earn yourself a healthy dose of melanoma if you move to Florida and bask in a bath of it every day for five hours? (Yes.) Will the occasional confection suddenly make strangers mistake you for Melissa McCarthy? (No.) Will a steady diet of it sans cardio or otherwise healthy eating ensure you need to purchase an extra seat for your plane ride to the fat farm? (Yes.) Now, if you got all of those answers correct, then congratulations! You understand the concept of moderation. And, if you’re like me, looking for a shoe-in for the usual upper suspects while maintaining a healthy weight (or losing some), then we’ve both got the green light for a green tea substitute.

Now, go forth, moderate your mate, and enjoy reaping this tea’s weight loss benefits. Oh, and be sure to come back and comment your results here within the year. (That way, I’ll know you haven’t died of cancer and it’s safe for me to try.) Just kidding. Kinda.

But if you do try and hate it…

…you can always throw a little of it in a ziplock and sell it to seventh grade reprobates.

And spend the profits on some good old fashioned matcha.