Gwen-spiration: The Gwen Stefani Routine

March 22, 2013 Ashley 1 Comment

GWENABBE

To answer to your recent song, yes, Gwen. Yes, you are still looking hot.

At 43.

Show of hands… wouldn’t want to look like Gwen Stefani?

In my dorky youth, Gwen Stefani represented the perfect balance between femininity and ass-kicking. Though she rocked the Marilyn Monroe platinum locks and crimson kissers, she balanced it out famously with originality and occasional style switch ups: bindis, braces, bubble gum hair, and that signature vibrato that only she can do.

But it wasn’t until recently that I realized Gwen isn’t as young as she looks, and found a whole new reason to emulate her. Let’s face it: we aren’t getting any younger.

Before we dive in, I’ll just say: this is a long blog. So, I’ll just outline it quickly for you: It’s got her personal trainer’s diet tip and workout examples of what he has Gwen do, some stuff you can do instead, and skinny Gwen thinspiration pictures to (maybe) motivate you.

Back to the topic, though… Seriously? Who ages in reverse?!

How is she 43 and still looking b-a-n-a-n-a-s? Yeah, being rich and famous equals top-tier beauty treatment access; but it’s pretty dismissive to say that all recession-free beauties don’t work hard to get goddess-gorgeous.

I mean, we say that to make ourselves feel better while our couches get concavity grooves that match our fat asses like a key. But, haven’t you seen other forty-something celebs who can’t equal that “twenty-year-younger” look Gwen does? Something’s clearly different. Sure, she keeps trainers around has a personal chef; but that doesn’t make it impossible for you to match the results.

But you can’t afford a chef or trainer! What do I think, you’re made of money?! No, but consider the source. A famous singer needs help for a couple reasons:

For her, it’s likely about convenience and career dependency.

If you were on tour, in a studio, doing interviews, photo shoots, commercials, and keeping a family together, you wouldn’t have much time to eat healthy without some help, either.

Ever see this chick during a concert? If you gain five or ten pounds, the worst thing for you might be some pinching or fat jokes from the asshole in the cubicle next to you. It won’t cost you your job or splash across tabloids, though. That’s not the case for a midriff baring ska legend. Additionally (for her side job), she couldn’t very well fit the L.A.M.B. duds she designs if she went all amorphous blob, suddenly, you know?

MOTIVATION – WHY DO YOU WANT IT?

Take all of those things away, however, and Gwen still would find a workaround. Why? She’s admitted she’s just as vain as you and I are! Otherwise you wouldn’t be here, reading my rants. She even does her makeup twice a day, and adds, “I’d like to have no rules and eat what I want, but … I’m so disappointed when I can’t wear the clothes I want to wear.”

In fact, that’s why she swam back in high school. The betch doesn’t like to swim. She just wanted to avoid fat-assery like the rest of us.

So… that’s her motivation – and it was that way long before fame. She didn’t have trainers then, but always found a way to stay fit.

What’s your motivation, then? Warm weather wardrobe? Looking good in pictures? Looking good naked? Looking good in naked pictures? Whether it’s vacation in a bikini or general health, keep your incentives in mind and make sure they’re a priority. If you tend to lose focus on why you’re aiming for a fitness goal, then you’re more likely to give up when it’s “too much effort”.

If you’re negative like I am, though, just reverse-psych yourself out by thinking, “Ugh, I’m going to feel awful, and be bitchier than usual if I feel fat and like crap.” That doesn’t mean starve yourself, but it does mean changing diet and activity level.

THE FOOD – VEGAN VERSUS OMNIVORES

So what is it that Gwen actually does? “There’s no secret,” she says, “You have to work out, eat healthy, and torture yourself.”

As true as it may seem, the devil is still in the details. In recent years, she’s said she’s now mostly a vegan, and I can believe it. Meat eaters won’t want to hear it, but most girls I know who’ve gone vegan look so pretty it’s unreal.

Don’t let that deter you omnivores, though!

After all, Gwen’s trainer isn’t a vegan, and Gwen herself wasn’t always, either. Regardless, no matter what you do in the gym, you’re not going to accomplish your best physique without some kind of healthy diet. That doesn’t mean 100% torture, though (unless your main staple is bon-bon filled krispy kreme doughnuts).

In fact, Mike Heatlie (one of her trainers) says, “It’s not what you eat once in a while that matters, but what you eat consistently.” He champions a routine like the following:

– 5 to 6 days of decreased carb intake
– 1 or 2 “cheat days”
– Breakfast of protein smoothie with fruit (in lieu of cereal)
– Dinner of chicken (or vegan substitute) with vegetables (in lieu of bread and pasta)
– Carb/calorie cycling (Alternate days of high, low, and no carbs through the week)

These are also some foods he suggests:

Heatlie adds, “Make sure you give yourself one to two days off where you can eat more or less what you want.” Obviously the above is just an example (different caloric intake per person), but his blog gives a formula for caloric intake suggestions, factors specifics, has explanations of the above diagrams, and more.

If you’re a vegan? Well, obviously it will vary.

I guess it depends on how much fruit you intake versus other raw foods. I’m not a nutritionist, so I won’t pretend to know. The workout and food regimen is simply what the trainers have shared. However, most vegans I’ve met have little trouble staying fit. If you’re just interested in some high protein vegan foods anyway, this site seems to have a hearty list of foods high in protein sans animal bits or byproducts.

THE WORKOUT – GWEN’S TRAINERS SHARE

There’s a lot to looking like Gwen, so you’d want good exercises to target all the right areas; but you’ll also need to do cardio to burn off your “winter insulation”.

There are about five main exercises Heatlie says he has her do (see diagram below). However, the key is in the repetition. You don’t just do 20 and then go make a sandwich. You do 20, and then do 2 or 3 more sets of 20. For the “high intensity” workout Mike has some clients do, he combines five different exercises to target different body parts in a row, followed by three minutes of high intensity cardio.

Sound easy?

Oh, that’s because I missed the last step: Repeat the whole thing until an hour has passed. That’s right. Each session is that whole circuit, repeated for roughly an hour. Eventually, you have to switch up your workout routine After a week or so, the circuit would be “more isolated and less intense”.

BEGINNERS – START AT THE BEGINNING

But, let’s say you’re just starting out. Don’t give up ahead of time just because you’re out of shape or don’t have a gym! Try to get access to a gym, but in the meantime, improvise and work up: Trade Gwen’s advanced exercises for beginner versions of exercises that target the same body parts:

Obviously these don’t target everything; but it’s sure a good start.

Also, none of these things require more than what you have at home. It won’t be easy. However, take breaks, catch breath, and take water. You’re just starting out! It’s a goal – not a suicide mission; so take breaks, but reach your goal – slowly but surely.

Gwen’s trainer says she only needs a “ten percent” push from him. You don’t have a trainer, so find a way to “push” yourself in the moment. I play little mind games with myself – like try to get a certain amount of squats in before an ipod song is over, set a timer and try to beat my last time, pretend the pain I’m feeling is also spontaneously being inflicted on someone I hate, or just sing (horribly) to my playlist music and delusionally pretend I’m Gwen herself.

PROTIP: These are pretty tough to do from your couch. Most people won’t have trouble shedding inches because they skipped the 30th rep or used the wrong dumbbell, but because they didn’t do any reps at all – with or without a dumbbell.

PHYSICS PROTIP: Objects in motion tend to stay in motion, and ones at rest tend to gain an innertube of blubber to match their cottage cheese ass. So, break the inertia cycle of excuse-making and get moving!

FINALS THOUGHTS…

I’m no pro, but from personal experience, some advice that’s worked:

1. CARDIO – You can’t just do strengthening alone. Aim for 30 minutes. Try alternating strengthening and cardio days if you need.

2. MAKE A NOTE of intake. Hard work doesn’t warrant a “reward” of excess empty calories each day. The reward is in the mirror later.

3. JUST DO IT! Don’t talk yourself out of it by over thinking how hard it is to start working out or how fat you feel jiggling at a gym with an audience.

4. BE PATIENT. Wait to make body comparisons until after at least a week or two of putting in work. If you check for changes every day, you’ll get discouraged and quit.

5. ACCEPTANCE. You won’t be a Gwen doppelganger, obviously (unless you find a good surgeon or a Michelle Phan tutorial on how to Mac-style transform your face); but you’ll be your best version of you and you won’t be sorry for that.

This is getting long, so I’m going to leave you with this final thought:

All of this requires what some call “willpower”. But I hate that word. Don’t you? It’s overused, it’s lost its meaning, and it feels condescending to hear. I get annoyed just typing it.

Instead, I call it “quieting your mind”. Treat your brain like it’s two parts – the wise parent you either are now or maybe never had, and the whiny kid who wants pizza every night and doesn’t want to do chores.

When you want to give up, be lazy, or fall of the diet wagon – you’re indulging that thankless brat-brain part. Send it “to its room” like a parent would! Shut it up! Its needs aren’t an option until moderation between the two can harmoniously coexist. You’ll know when that time comes after the benefits of control come to fruition via a fitter, sexier you.

Good luck!

“I regret working hard and losing all that weight” – said no person ever.

xoxo
<3~A