Can this gadget slash your weight for you?

April 30, 2017 Ashley 0 Comments

Ice cream. Cookies. Chips.

Don’t be fooled. Just ‘cause I’m vegan doesn’t mean junk food doesn’t exist for my kind. It totally does. There are nut-cream based subs for my Ben ‘n Jerry binge needs. There’re veggie chips. And pasta can build me a paunch faster than you can say, “McDougall’s noodles” Let’s also not forget that refined sugar, bad as it is, is still vegan friendly. It doesn’t come from a cow or any other animal. But it does make you cow sized – especially if you get as hooked on it as I tend to once I start.

So, what’s the answer?

Some might say this latest kitchen contraption – which traps your snack in a time encoded lock bin:

(Especially cruel, making it see through, so you can watch it like a stripper dancing in a glass case.)

What you do, is exile your tempting edibles into this thing, set the timer for whenever-you-deem-safest-to-eat-it o’ clock, and try to distract yourself with non-gastronomical thoughts and tasks ‘til the time runs out. Now, as an innovator and creator, I love this idea in theory. In fact, I almost bought something similar once for my ex’s chubby nephew who kept eating all his mom’s brownies. Had I done that, it probably would’ve worked wonders to help slim out the kid’s thickness. Unfortunately, I dunno if this’d work so well for the likes of me.

See, I get addicted to bad food super easily. Anything hyper-palatable or overly sugary, and you can count me out for being productive for the day’s remainder. All I want is more. Pizza. Fries. Chocolate. Put out enough naughty noms, and I’ll keep eating, Beagle style, ‘til I combust. It sounds pretty effing funny in theory. But, in application, my pleasure-addicted brain can’t conceive of doing anything else, once it gets a taste for that ingestible bliss. And that’s why this thing would fail for anyone who’s a junk-food addict like I am – because one of three things’d happen to me:

First? I’d just go buy more.

“Yes, I’ll take twelve of each, please and thank you.”

Back in my junk food eating days, I’d enjoy some fro-yo at night. It was filled with fat and cream and crunchy things that collectively could’ve won it the diabetic equivalent of an Oscar. But, because it had the word “yogurt” in it, I convinced myself it was alright. (Just couldn’t figure out how to convince my hip width or love handles’ve such.) But, one night, I came home to realize there was “only” a quarter’ve a bucket of my favorite frozen, bovine effluvia left. Even though I was dead tired (and literally never left home after getting home from work), I got a sudden second wind, and marched my fat azz out the door to Wawa to procure more – like a smack addict on a mission. So, that’s the first way this thing’d fail. Aside from the fact that it can’t even lock up stuff like ice cream (which leaves fridge and frozen snacks fair game), once whatever I want’s locked in, I’d probably just go get more.

Then, worse (and the second reason this thing’d fail with me) is what would happen once my Fort Knox of snacks finally unlocked. See, you gotta picture it. Here I am, already having eaten a vat of ice sugar. (The one I just bought from the store, I mean.) I’m already kinda loathing myself. And, then, “ding, ding, ding!” (that’s the sound I’m imagining the victual vault makes upon unlocking), it’s like a Pavlovian bell when I’m already in food fiend mode. So, now, not only have I binged on the wealth of unhealth this thing’s driven me out to buy. But, now, I’m gonna gorge on more – via the newly liberated cupcakes or whatever else’s in there.

And the final reason this wouldn’t work?

Because, $54 or not, never underestimate an authentic snackfood addict.

(Also: I’m not above taking a ball peen to free Cheetos and relocate them into my gastric cavity where they’ll be safe.)

Granted, reading all of this, you might be wondering what particular breed of monster I am, specifically. “Are there people legitimately this addicted to food?” Then again, you might be saying, “OMG… that’s me“. See, my dietary personality reads a bit like that meme: “I have two types of eating styles: Green-eating, yogi, health-coach… and Rottweiler after a pot roast falls on the kitchen floor.” (Okay, so that’s not how the quote goes verbatim. But you get the idea.) And what dictates which state I’m in? Two things: A.) How I eat most of the time, and B.) what I keep in my house.

After a life of bad eating habits, what I needed wasn’t a lockbox. I needed a lifestyle change. An all-around habit hack of massive proportions. Did that mean I eliminated bad food completely? No. I went plant based, but I didn’t quit all sugary non-goodness 100%. What I did do, though, was never bring it into my home – and reserve reveling in its delicious decadence for cheat days or special occasions. (No more than once a week, generally.) Having the mindfulness not to let it be habitual, is the key. See, when you commit to eating healthy, then that’s your baseline. That’s how you normally function. Plant based, not too much sugar, not too much salt, unsaturated fats, no processed junk, and balanced macros. (Which, though I admit it sounds deceivingly difficult, it’s not.) The bottom line is that you mostly – like 95% of the time – eat healthy. Once that becomes a habit, it’s not hard. It’s just what you do. And you don’t miss the unhealthy stuff. You especially don’t miss it once you begin to feel that Greek god level energy coursing through your veins, look younger than everyone around you, hit your weight loss goals, and start setting new ones.

And, when you think of it, this is really the only rational way to live.

(But only if you *don’t* wanna feel shizzy.)

We eye-roll at clean eating a lot in our whining-winos-binging-Netflix-seasons-on-the-couch culture. (I know, ‘cause it’s a defense mechanism I used to use, too). But your body’s all you’ve got. It’s not a car you can crash and replace. It runs on specific fuel, and it’s eternally linked to your brain engine. Feed it the wrong stuff, and it all suffers, sputters out, and makes you miserable. Processed sugar and imbalanced macro portions (the wrong ratios of fats, carbs, and proteins ) are not fuel. In fact, they (and even an excess of the healthy stuff, for that matter) can become the opposite of fuel (weighing down your everyday life and causing inflammation in the form of too much body fat.) So, if you’re like me – if you’re the type whose logic center goes haywire once you start slurping or crunching on the stuff that activates your inner food addict, try inviting a little change into your dietary world. This isn’t saying you’ve gotta say no to donuts indefinitely. Just avoid ‘em, generally – and enjoy them only when you’re out with pals. Save it for a spesh occasions. (Cheat days, birthdays, Tuesdays- wait, no… Not that last one.) Just don’t trick yourself into believing it’s “warranted” or that you “deserved” or “earned” it ‘cause of your workout. You just spent your workout doing good things to your body. Saying you’re rewarding yourself with fat-fodder after the gym, is like saying your car deserves dirt after you washed it. So no. It’s not a reward. You chose to err from health a bit. And that’s alright (in the way that it’s alright to screw up because you can’t change the past, but you can fix the future). It’s alright, so long as you get back on track tomorrow. It’s alright, so long as you don’t keep it in the kitchen – even if it’s temptingly incarcerated in a transparent culinary prison cell where you can see it, be reminded of how much you want it, and go out to the store and get more. It’s alright if you stay the healthy course, til next week.

So, instead’ve locking bad food up, lock it out – of your house. And life. Except on cheat day.

‘cause, in terms of bad eating habits, a kSafe can’t keep you safe, k?

Only a healthy lifestyle change can.