Are Zaggora’s magical pants going to lose weight for you?

June 18, 2018 Ashley 0 Comments

They’re these pants that lift your rump lumps up while you wear ’em.

And someone, somewhere (AKA the Orwellian advertiser internet bots), must’ve heard my complaint about ’em. (AKA “For that much money they better make you look good after they come off too…”) Because now my feed’s more filled with these ads about Zaggora pants than the Zaggoras themselves are getting filled with chicks so desperate to lose weight, they’ll do anything. (Except, ya know, eat properly. And work out regularly.)

And what’s so spesh about ’em?

Well, the big claim is that, unlike the booty trainers (which are like the derriere equiv of a wonderbra), the effects last after you wear ’em. Why? Because they… overheat you. And being hotter burns more calories. So, the end argument’s that the pants make you lose more weight. (Ya know, on account of the alleged increased calorie burn.) Okay. Fair enough. But… is it true? Well, let’s answer that by looking at a few facts…

First, they haven’t been 100% honest about how it works. These badboys aren’t new. They’ve been around for a bit. And, in the past several years, they’ve changed the “how our product works” part of their website numerous times. Why? Is it because they’re perfectionists? No. It’s because they weren’t telling the truth about the “science” behind their product, they got called on it, and they had to legally tweak it to match reality.

Then there’s the “research” part of it. I always say: if you’re gonna look at the research on anything, see who’s footing the bill for said study. If it’s the same company that’s selling the product, then guess what? You’re probably not gonna get the most honest results. And such was the case with Zaggora’s conclusions about the amount’ve weight lost rocking their perspiratory pants. Their claim was that the Zaggora group burned 11% more calories than the control group. However, that data was analyzed a little bit deeper by others to show that, while there is some increase in calories burned, it ain’t that much. It’s closer to 6.5%.

And what’s that all mean? Well, someone smarter than I am did the math. And it turns out that what it does burn isn’t worth burning through your bank account for. And why would I say such a horrid thing, thereby crushing your hopes and dreams of magical fat blasting pants? Partially because I’m a terrible person. But mostly because, in the end, the only “extra” amount you’re shedding is one pound in… wait for it… 8 months. At least. Not exactly the sexiest tagline… but it’s a lot more honest.

(Oh, I get it. Thaaaat’s why their pants heat up so much.)

So, can you drop pounds with these trousers that make you shower sweat? Sure. Is it because of their high quality, scientific nature that you’re dropping the pounds, though? Not with those stats, champ. (Sorry ’bout it.) That said, if people are losing weight with these things, there’s a good reason why. You know how when you have a gym membership, you tend to go more? Because you sold your soul and signed in blood that they can deduct hundreds of dollars intermittently each year? So, you might as well get your money’s worth? (Compared to, say, how frequently you visit that elliptical sitting in your cellar that’s gathering dust and whose only purpose the past two years is serving as a clothing line?) Yeah. It’s kinda like that. Subconsciously, you know you’ve payed a lot for them. So you’ve gotta prove your sensible friends (hi) who eye-rolled at you for buying ’em wrong. You’ve gotta prove to us that fitness fairy tale duds do exist. And how’re you gonna do that? By putting in more work at the gym than you did in those Walmart tights. You’ll do it by taking a hard pass on Hardee’s and everything else awful for you. You’ll do it by taking a snap of your scale after wearing them to Barre – and trying to convince yourself that five pounds ain’t all coming back for you, after you guzzle that gallon’ve water. Granted, this might be a fine plan – if you can keep it up. But if your only motivation is the fact that these pants cost you the better part of $100, then I can promise that’s not gonna last. Even if the pants do. (And plenty of the reports say they don’t.) So, what’s the takeaway?

Well, I’ve managed to stay slender for four years on a plant based diet in the same ol’ tired Target tights.

So do yourself a favor: save your fashion fund for fun stuff you can wear after earning that awesome bod.

Because magical pants aren’t the answer. You are.