Stygian fitness: the dark side of darkness cardio

March 25, 2016 Ashley 0 Comments

So far, we’ve covered the light side of darkness cardio.
And, for sure, there are some definite benefits. Check them out here. That said, I’d be doing you a world’ve disservice if I said it should be your new, official go-to. Or that daylight body pumping should be a thing of the past. ’cause, in all honesty, that’s not true. I do feel like this trend, excellent though it is, should be more of a yes-and to regular, well lit workouts. I say this for several reasons.

First? The fact that research has shown how well melatonin levels out after an A.M. workout. When that happens, it helps you sleep easier later on. Also, morning workouts help boost endorphins and set the mood of your day for you – making it easier to handle other tasks like a badazz. (“I owned that hill this morning, I can conquer this conference call.”) Without mine, I’m useless – whether at work or anywhere else involving human interaction.

(Someone summon my assistant and have her buy me twelve of these, please thx.)

Then there’s the whole following directions thing. (Which I’m bad enough at with all five senses functioning fully.) Depending on what kinda class you’re taking – tuning too much into your own bod often makes it harder to take your yoga coach’s next cue. I do this all the time on the mat “I’m sorry, darling, but three breaths in this pose isn’t gonna be enough for me. I’ll catch up with you sometime after triangle pose is over.” Plus, if you’re the one doing that freestyling, then also makes it hard for me to mind your business (like I’m not supposed to do but totally do) and copy you when I can’t hear the instructor over the Jumanji music.

And, finally, there’s form and attention. Maybe some exercises are good to do in the dark – from schmexytime to SoulCycle to asanas in the shadows. But when it comes to the more focus dependent somatic stuff (like how you’re squatting or lunging or planking), you can truly lose out by not glancing at the looking glass in class every now and then. I know, I know – it’s tough to see your reflection when you’re not where you wanna be aesthetically speaking. But this is just one of those moments where you have to step outside of yourself and be able to assess your form sans lambasting the assets you’ve not got – yet. Keep it up and you will have them. Just think of it as a body marionette you get to control. Not you or your identity. Besides, it’s better to injure your ego than your body – which you can seriously do if you’re not giving it your “Limitless” level attention. Espesh when it comes to stuff like weight lifting. If you’re half asleep while hoisting heavy stuff around, you might just land yourself a strained hammy or slipped disc. Plus, without your vision on point, your proprioception gets totes thrown off. Then your not-hot enough ego and your look-stupid ego will both be crushed. Along with your body.

(Trifecta fail.)

In sum, I’d say a few darkness workouts sprinkled abstemiously onto your regular, photon infused cardio sundae could be a great way to end the day, occasionally. I know that I not only enjoy mine, but need it. I need it like a diabetic needs to shoot sugar regulating goo into their flesh to remain alive. And a well lit treadmill or elliptical won’t cut it for me. Everyone does it differently. For me personally, that workout needs to happen solo, down a darkened road, with my knife on my hip and my Krav paws ready to pounce. But if you’re smarter than I am and like to play it safe in the presence of people, mayhaps try out the likes of SoulCycle or a candlelit yoga sesh at your local Zen playpen. There’s apparently even this thing called Ratchet Zoomba. Yes, you heard that right. It’s this place where they put on Beyonce, and let you and a class full of white girls pretend you can twerk for an hour. Even though you collectively know that if the lights came back on, you’d all look like a gang of constipated, squatting, albino dogs desperately trying eject defecation.

So, which one are you gonna try?

This’s just a “shot in the dark”, but I’m guessing the answer’s not that last one.

(Homegirl looks like her fave darkness activity is cleaning her room sans the lamps on.)

However, if it is, be sure to bring a friend. One with a night vision camera. And instant internet access.

Good luck getting leaner and lighter in darkness, darlings.

Don’t hurt yourself.