All energy bars are basically Kalteen bars

April 12, 2016 Ashley 0 Comments

The public understanding of energy bars is best rep’d by that the “Kalteen Bar” scene in Mean Girls.

First, some company welds together a bunch’ve nuts ‘n junk into a granola pole.

Then they slap a wrapper full of artifice on it.

One with heavenly health promises on the front and mysterious ingredients on the back. And, as you approach the checkout aisle, you look at it and think, “Obviously I should buy this. Why not?” Especially since you’ve tried everything else. (Except, ya know, a lifestyle of consistently healthy diet and exercise.) In other words, you’re trying to buy the easy way out. (AKA that thing that doesn’t exist in fit living – until you fall in love with quality cardio and clean eating.) And, like it or not, when you try to buy the easy way out – you’re also buying a lie. What’s more – you’re not only buying a lie that’ll fail to deliver on its pledge to slenderize you.

You’re also buying a lie that’ll do the exact opposite of what it promises.

And how does that happen?

Well, in a handful of calorie laden ways. Firstly, they are (many of ’em) filled with whey – which weighs you down by bloating you up (especially if you react badly to lactose). Then, to compound that, a good number of them have gotta lotta soy beans squeezed in as well. This, in my not-very-humble-but-I’m-gonna-offer-it-anyway opinion is bad for a couple of reasons. The first is that it may make your your heiny horn bound to sound off (like any other toot inducing bean does.) But, far worse than that is the fact that soybeans – eaten in a natural manner – are so much more energy inducing and delicious. Plus, when you’re eating them in unfettered form with a high water content, you fill up faster (which means you’re less likely to eat enough to encourage a bad case of the booty burps.) Thirdly is the fact that processed food’s not food. Often, they go through these chemical processes that ultimately translate to weight increase. Even if the calorie content’s the same as any given fresh food. Why? Because a lot of them have refined sugar (which turns to fat in your body), fatty nuts, or craving inducing flavoring that makes you prone to keep snacking on more calories later.

The moral of the story?

Get selective about your post-sweat energy foods.

And only let fresh, quality provender get processed by your tummy’s lunch table.

“You can’t shiz with us!”