Restore your bodily hotness on holiday – by becoming a mermaid

March 13, 2016 Ashley 0 Comments

So, you’ve been playing too much snack Pacman all winter.

You knew it was time to pump the brakes on your baked goods, but…

It’s just so hard.

And now, unlike our schmexy, sea dwelling, childhood idol above, you’re rocking a paunch. Just when the hot holiday season is right around the corner, too. Suddenly, those once faraway, warm weather daydreams of frolicking on an exotic beach are far nearer. And more nightmarish. What’s a girl to do? Can you possibly tone up, drop pounds, and reclaim your flawless figure in time for takeoff? Sure, you can. But if you don’t reach your ideal goal in time, then fear not. Because you may just be able to do finish the job on vacay – and live out your childhood dream all in one.

By becoming a mermaid princess.

You heard that right, ladies. Once upon a time, on the island of Oahu, lived a gilled girl who was half sorority cheerleader and half sushi. Her name? Kariel. Kariel (a portmanteau for her real name, “Kari” and the one of our beloved Disney ginger-fish) is this ebullient, tiny blonde who heads a “fin to fitness” swim class at the The JW Marriott Ihilani Resort & Spa. And what do you do in this class? Why, you turn your fins into flippers, of course. And then get in the workout of your life, underwater, while ensconced in a follicular cloud of your own submerged mane.

Alright – so aside from looking hot underwater, what kind’ve’a workout am I getting?

Well, first you learn the dolphin kick. I had to look this one up – but essentially it’s what you see that mystical creature in the video above (who I’ve trouble believing is human) doing. It’s this style of swimming that aids in strengthening your core while simultaneously looking pretty awesome. And how many pina coladas are you burning off in the pool? Well – probably only one because those drinks are full’ve sugar and calories. However, don’t let that detract from the serious fat blasting you get by acting like a fish. Because it’s said that you burn about 700 calories per hour.

And why does it…?

Well, my dears, it burns so much because of the full body workout you’re getting.

Between the water pushing against you and all that gyration you hafta do to direct yourself correctly, you’re asking a whole helluva lot from your somatic machinery. Per Kariel herself, “Fin to Fitness works every muscle in the body because of resistance in the water,” adding, “But the target areas are the abdominal muscles, core, gluteus maximus, hip abductors and a lot of back muscles.” Oh, good. All the stuff that needs it most right now. (And will also help improve your balance later after you hit the bar, drink all your calories back, pass out, and then show back up to the pool tomorrow plus a hangover and minus your voice, demanding that infernal seawitch return your laryngeal capacities immediately.)

So ladies, this summer, maybe book tix to Oahu, live out your childhood dreams, and get your fi[n]tness on.

But just remember: oceanic royalty or not, you can’t aqueously out-gyrate a deplorable diet.

So don’t go “overboard” with the poolside bar or room service.

Or stalk some hottie boater with regal looks to his home.

(Well, at least not until after your body starts to look more mermaidy.)