Cactus water, coconut water, or neither – ’cause they’re both gross?

May 12, 2016 Ashley 0 Comments

So, we’ve just heard about pound dropping aloe water.

But now I’m hearing about another prickly plant whose innards are that and an electrolyte elixir:

Cactus water.

(“Now, to chug you Napoleon Dynamite style.”)

From what I understand (based on the magazine blurb I just skimmed), cactus water’s basically like au natch, organic Gatorade. Sweet flavored and allegedly refreshing, the stuff’s also high in electrolytes (a phrase I can, incidentally, never hear sans laughing thanks to “Idiocracy”) and antioxidants. Because of that combo, it’s known to both combat inflammation and aid in post cardio recovery in a nice ‘n natural way. And how’s it stack up against the other leading fad-lectrolyte concoction on the market ATM? AKA – coconut water? Well, I’ve gotta admit that I’m biased in a bad way against the latter. My first time trying coconut water came after a 90 minute Bikram sesh – when I was so thirsty even Pekingese pee would taste good. I did a legit spit take right there on my mat, gagging. So, while the cactus concoction harbors half the sugar and calories (awesome), my main concern was whether or not it also tasted like a fat man’s bathwater after he’d just ended a long day of jackhammering into ashphalt under the sweltering summer sun. I’d have to try it for myself to find out.

(How your average glass of cactus water actually looks):

(What “superfruit” actually means):

“Superfruit is a marketing term first used in the food and beverage industry in 2004. Superfruit has no official definition in major consumer markets”

In the meantime, I was intrigued to hear that – according to some studies – the stuff does more than replenish.

It also allegedly aids in weight maintenance and loss.

Well, at least the extracts from the same plant did – in an experiment with 49 chicks. (Why not an even 50 though? Moving on…) What they did was feed (about) half of them 2 gram doses of the magical extract (’cause you can’t feed a half of a woman. See? This’s why they should’ve had a 50th chick). Meanwhile the other womenfolk got nada but a placebo. Results? The group gobbling down the desert plant’s insides dropped a significant amount of weight. Meanwhile the basics who’d been downing sugar pills gained fat mass up to as much as 3 kg.

Which all sounds super enticing – but an extract in a lab’s not synonymous with a bottle of cactus water.

And, seeing as I couldn’t find any studies on that, I did what I always do:

Consult Amazon’s review section.

(Note how only one “verified purchase” was remotely good.
Thank god for Amazon.
I haven’t bought a thing on there in a year – thanks to their own review section.)

So, if cactus and coconut potions both suck, then what can we drink?

Ya know, I heard somewhere that you can just rely on your post body movin’ meal to do all the damage control. If you just eat foods high in magnesium, potassium, chloride, and a peppering of salt following your workout (downed with lotsa water, obvi), your electrolyte levels’ll be just fine. So, I think I’ll stick with that. Hasn’t failed me yet, anyway. As for the extract – I might buy it one day if I ever decide to stop eating this vegan diet that makes me remain effortlessly slender. But when it comes to these vomitous cocktails, no thanks. I’ve tried too many of these things already (for the sake of good journalistic reporting). And you know what? Every last one of them’s already been the taste bud equivalent of sitting on a cactus.

That said, I am curious to see how many people’ll buy this, thinking peyote’s finally been legalized.