5 tips to stay slim like Gwyneth

May 10, 2016 Ashley 0 Comments

I get that celebs aren’t any more god-like than you or I.

But can we stop and assess how awesome Gwyneth Paltrow is for a second?

At forty-something years old, homegirl’s still got it. How? And why? And (more importantly) why not us? Well, blessed genetics aside, there’s actually zero point zero reason you or I can’t do the penniless women’s version of her health ‘n wellness. Sure, she’s got access to trainers and funds for acupuncture and whatever the hell a steam douche is, but a wise man once told me it’s not about your resources – but your resourcefulness. So let’s see if we can’t wrangle up some perfectly affordable alternatives to Paltrow’s go-to’s – like some beauty magazine’s “NEED vs. WANT” section of understudy fashion knock offs that do the same damned job for less.

Starting with Gwyeth’s ingestion habits:

1. Non-processed, mostly vegan diet

She might write cookbooks on these crazy key lime pie recipes and other expensive luxuries you can’t afford to make, but it doesn’t cost that much to enjoy a non-processed, macrobiotic, mostly vegan diet like Gwyneth follows. Fruit and veg, often vilified for their cost factor, can be bought both fresh or frozen (which is cheaper) – and if you get ’em in bulk, it massively slashes the cost, too. So does visiting the farmer’s market. As for the other staples, there’s always variety, too. Love bread? Nab the Ezekiel brand. Crave eggs? Try a tofu, seitan, or tempeh cholesterol free alternative. Need noodles? Try shiritaki’s non starchy alternative to those awful shelf bought ones that plump up your rump like a bicycle pump that that circulates cellulite instead’ve air. There are plenty’ve substitutes for what you’re missing – if you seek ’em out.

Cost for us basics to eat like this? As little as $50 a week, depending on your fam status.

2. Tracy Anderson

Oh, wait – you aren’t besties and colleagues with a hottie celeb trainer?

Like Gwyneth is with Tracy Anderson? That’s so weird. Neither am I. Maybe we can be besties now that we’ve found this common bond of belonging to the out-crowd. And once we do, then we can both realize how easy it is to just do the Tracy Anderson workout (which Gwyneth religiously does herself to stay equal parts twiggy and toned), and then have our workout class together, at home. We might be more loser-y, but what we’re also losing is that third arse layer that sits right under our actual buns, looking like a cell entering the last stages of meiosis.

Cost of getting sweaty to the Tracy Method on Youtube? $0.00

3. No juice cleanses

The nice thing about this is that a lot of name brand “cleanses” can be expensive.

Yet, one of the hottest celebs is saying not to do it at all.

While her non-processed diet may almost sound agonizingly, abstemiously, squeaky clean, trust that it doesn’t hold a candle to actual cleanses. In fact, she shared her nightmare from trying one in her more naive years: ‘I’ve done juice cleanses in the past, and in my twenties I did the Master Cleanse, which left me hallucinating after 10 days. Be aware: a juice detox can crash your metabolism and lead to future weight gain.’ Very true. When your body’s been robbed of noms, you can bet your imminently XXL arse that it’s gonna Bogart every last calorie you feed it when you finally do. And it won’t give it up to your treadmill easily, either.

Cost to NOT cleanse? $0.00

4. Measure in inches not pounds

(Use an article of clothing to determine how far you’ve come – or gotta go.)

This is something you don’t need money or fame to turn into a habit.

It just takes a bit’ve willpower and re-association.

And what’s that re-association? Well, that scales are basically the satan of weight loss efforts. Seriously. They live below your feet and they tell you lies that are kind of true but not really – and that’re not really helpful overall. Example – on my vegan diet, do you wanna know how much oscillation my weight does in a single day? Anywhere from five to ten pounds. Why? Because when you’re filling up on fiber and chia seeds and high water content foods, sure it weighs a bit initially. But, hit the head in a few hours and don’t expect to see those figures stay the same. You know what does stay the same? Your actual figure – in the best way. It’s funny because the nurses in the doc’s office often try to weigh me twice or request I remove my shoes. It used to bother me seeing a 130 instead’ve a 120 on the scale. These days, I don’t care. Why? I’ve dropped from size seven to a size five and now even that’s starting to do the classic plumber’s crack magic trick in the middle of work that’s equal parts vexing and exciting. Gwyneth follows this same rule – opting for measurement in inches (with an actual tape) instead. Why? ’cause the shame and guilt of witnessing numbers you don’t wanna see feels like winning the lard arse lottery. And that leads to guilt. And guilt leads to guilt gobbling at 2 A.M. and crying into the keys of your laptop while watching whatever Nick Sparks flick you’ve got playing on there. And if buying a tape measure’s too bougie for you? Then, by all means, use that pair of skinny slacks as your body barometer to track your progress.

Cost to try shimmying into that pencil skirt from your skinny days each week? $0.00

5. Vices (sometimes)

Well, celeb or not, few of us are hard up for vices to invite into our lives.

The trouble here’s more to do with how to manage them. And, despite a diet devoid of sugar or alcohol and most (if not all) animal products, you might be surprised that Paltrow champions keeping a few vices in her life. Case in point? Puffing a cancer stick on a weekly basis and sipping some vino in the evening. I loathe smoking and don’t drink myself, but I love that she does this. And not just because she’s a Hollywood goddess, but for the same reason I talk about allowing myself occasional “vegan cheats” in my orthorexia article. (My only vice advice is to be careful about which ones you choose. This took a little trial and error for me because some foods are just gateway drugs to decimating my diet entirely. Probably just ’cause I’m a bit’ve an addict, though.) Clean eating and cardio are obviously crucial to build the rest’ve your life on. But once you’ve got it good and ingrained, there’s nada wrong with the occasional wandering over to the wrong side of the tracks (if you know you’re capable of coming back). As Gee-Pee puts it: “I often have a glass of red wine in the evening and smoke a cigarette on a Saturday. I love those moments because they are just the right amount of naughty. That balance keeps you vibrant. You have to live your life, after all.” And I agree. Whether your infrequent indulgence is to remember what you’re not missing out on and why you stay the clean course – or whether it’s just an occasional hedonistic reward hard earned after a hard week – is totes up to you. Just make sure you don’t get lost over there.

Cost of the occasional Marlboro or Merlot? Just a couple extra digits to the first listed thing on here.

In the end, few of us are ever gonna look like Gwyneth. Or any other celeb for that matter. But what we can do is get a bit closer to Paltrow’s slender status (than the corpulent character she portrays in Shallow Hal), by following the leading actresses lead in life. Aside from slimming down, the balance of vices and veganism, measuring in width instead’ve weight, and cleaning your diet sans doing actual cleanses is collectively an apt answer for a happy, healthy path. And it also likely costs less than we probably pay for the fixes that fail us.

Grand total to take these tips to heart?

Just a few cognitive coins worth of of common “cents”.

And that’s something many top paid celebs don’t even have.