Ben & Jerry’s vegan ice cream: kind to cows, but not to your body

February 10, 2018 Ashley 0 Comments

“Good news, all you vegans. Ben & Jerry’s is making ice cream we can eat.”

I mean, do you remember your life, before your healthy venture into the vegan lifestyle?

Wandering down the ice cream aisle after you got stood up on that date? Buying bins of sin by the pint? Or quart? Eating chunks of peanut butter swimming in a sea of gelid, frozen cow effluvia (mixed with teardrops)? Telling yourself it was okay because you’d just “work it off later”? Ah, yes. Me too. I remember it well. From the fleeting sentiment of release, to the one that followed after filling up on frozen confections – that deep misery, felt on every level for the remainder of the night. And into the following weeks when the same habit would inevitably resume, peppered with disappointing morning weigh ins at the bathroom scale.

(Don’t you just miss that?)

Now, this isn’t for those’ve you who can enjoy a vat of healthless sugar only occasionally.

This isn’t for my homies who can moderate and never eat their feelings.

Nah. This is for those’ve you who are like me. You know who you are. Those of you who have difficulty dabbling in the fake food, without the likes of processed sugar hijacking your mind like oral smack. For those of you who have to keep it out’ve the house altogether. (Lest you binge ’til you pop those Rockstar skinny jeans you labored so long on a plant based diet to fit into.) I get it. It can be difficult. When the cold weather’s worn out its welcome. When breakups or fights ignite between partners. When school or work’s being such a bully that abusing your belly is the only possible solution. The thing is, refined sugar is a drug. (I’ve said it a million times before, and the MRI scans don’t lie.) But it’s the sneakiest of all the drugs. Why? Because it’s legal. Yet it’ll keep you coming back for more and more. And, meanwhile you’ll find yourself justifying your binges with defenses like, “I’ll make up for it at the gym later.” (A lie we all know’s not true.)

Meanwhile, with its sky high sugar and fat content, B&J’s new non-dairy ice cream is a wet dream for the demon fiend sugar addict, squatting silently in your mind, just waiting for you to take that first bite. And it’s all a downward spiral from there. Maybe it won’t be ice cream. But your brain’ll start seeking out that processed sugar like a bloodhound on the course for a corpse from some other source. Need proof this stuff’s not your friend? Here’s a nice (probably low-ball estimate) of what you’re getting when you tuck into a chilly treat from the two guys determined to make you the size of two guys:

(Especially when you ask yourself the question: “Who stops at one serving size?”)

Again, this isn’t for the people who know how to moderate.

Y’all are good.

This is for those who can’t (or who maybe haven’t admitted that about themselves yet) and need a slight reminder. I know I do sometimes. I’ve fallen off track more than a few times since initiating a plant based diet. And every time I have to rewind the tape and recall where I went wrong. (Interestingly enough, last time it was on another brand’ve vegan “ice cream”.) But, more importantly, I also have to remember where I was going right – before I fell off track. How was I eating? How did life feel when I was filling up on fruit and veggies? Balancing my macros? Eating to sustain – not entertain – myself? Dietary introspection can’t just end with pessimism. We’ve gotta remember the good stuff, too. It’s not about beating ourselves up – but realizing the reality of where we stand. It’s about compassion from every aspect. Many of us went plant based for animal compassion. And while high sugar vegan foods might be kind to animals, they sure aren’t to us or our waistlines.

Just sayin’.